Wednesday, 10 May 2006
32 Years and Counting…
intro.spectacleI visited my mother’s grave today, as I try to do every May 10. Despite the past couple days’ worth of rain, the maintenance crew had obviously recently mowed the lawn, as the headstone was covered with wet grass clippings, which I cleared away, as best I was able with my bare hands.
There are times, like today, when I think about my mother, and I feel guilty, because I’m certain to about fifteen decimal places that I’m not the person I think she hoped I would be. In fact, I don’t even know what I’d have to say to that person if I ever met him. I just don’t think we’d have very much in common.
After my mother died, I found myself thinking — a lot — about my own mortality. By the time I reached high school, I was fairly convinced that I wouldn’t live to see the year 2000. I’d be 36 by then… surely my time would be up long before that. Then, from the time I hit 25, I started looking at those five-year milestones. By the time 30 rolled around, not only was I unsure I would make it to the next milestone… I wasn’t sure I wanted to. On final approach to 40, I was pretty certain that I didn’t want to survive to that marker.
Which brings us to today… May 10, 2006. 32 years since my mother’s passing, and just about midway between the 40 and 45 milestones. My aunt (father’s youngest sister) called today, to tell me that my grandmother has some old coins that she wants to give to me, and during the conversation, my aunt said that she and my grandmother were just looking at some old pictures of my mother yesterday, and that there’s a lot of my mother in me. I’m sure it was meant to be comforting, but in actuality, it just made me feel about ten times more hollow than I already did.
So… what do I do with that? All I know right now is that 45’s on the way, and I have no particular desire to get there.
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